What does it mean to have an authentic personal brand?

Do you sometimes feel like an imposter because your personal brand and reality don’t always match? You're not alone. Let's talk about the authenticity tightrope we all walk.

The other day, I was chatting with a friend, and we got into a conversation about how 'authentic' some experts in the spiritual and self-help world really are. They come across as super loving and humble in their work personas, but when you meet them face-to-face, it’s like meeting a completely different person.

It's like that Instagram psychotherapist who's always going on about how you shouldn’t complain about others but look in the mirror if someone gets under your skin . But then, behind the scenes, they’re busy gossiping about everyone they know. Or that yoga teacher who's humble and loving during class, but the second they're out the door, their inner diva steps out of the closet.

Now, someone might argue that a truly wise and evolved person can overcome all human struggles and be calm as a monk in the face of any shitstorm. And that is definitely something to aspire to be. 

But in my nearly fourty years of life on Earth, I haven’t met a single person in this modern world, who tries to manage multiple responsibilities and develop themselves spiritually and mentally, and never gets frustrated, overwhelmed, jealous or fearful.

Nor have I met anyone who doesn’t have guilty pleasures and contradicting behaviours that surprise you like the rain on a sunny day.

No matter what you’re an expert in, humans are complex and creatively messed up creatures. 

So let’s investigate a few ways to claim authenticity.

Honesty and integrity are good places to start

The easiest act of authenticity is not to lie about who we are, what we do, and who we care about. Being honest and not making false arguments to sell something makes you someone with integrity.

Now, I’m not saying you can’t use storytelling or brag about all that you are and can do. Let’s not confuse honesty and integrity with minimising yourself or succumbing to imposter syndrome.

But there’s a fine line between promising impossible results and suggesting a possibility. A good salesperson will learn to know the difference. And I think your intuition gets you far with this one. If it feels like a lie, it most likely is. 

Let’s understand the difference between our ideal selves and true selves

If our actions don’t match our words, it might be because we fail to admit the difference between our ideal selves and our true selves.

Social media exacerbates this problem. Nowadays, anyone trying to make money as an expert will likely have an online presence. An online presence relies on storytelling. Storytelling relies on editing. A good story is never a reflection of a person’s most complicated self but a slice of their being – the one we want to expose to the world. Our ideal self. The person who has their sh*t together and knows what they’re doing.

It’s easy to start buying into the story and judge ourselves for not living up to our ideal selves. 

I once went to a music festival and got a craving to smoke a cigarette. I’m not a regular smoker, but I can smoke if I feel like it. So I decided to bum a cigarette from the smoker standing next to me. When they turned around, I realised they were a yoga student of mine. All of a sudden, I felt a sinking feeling of shame. I felt embarrassed that a yoga student of mine would think of me as a smoker, i.e. their depiction of my ideal yogic, healthy self would dissipate. “The person who teaches yoga can’t possibly be a credible source of health and guidance. Shame on them.” Btw, these were all my thoughts, not theirs.

Luckily, I quickly realised that having a thought like this was a reflection of my idealism and perfectionism. If I try to live up to an ideal that someone might have of me because of what I do, I lose the freedom to be the most authentic version of myself. 

Judging the authenticity of others requires us to look in the mirror

As audience members, we often expect the experts we go to for advice to be their ideal selves 24/7. We might admire and follow them because they inspire us to become more like them. Their ideal selves remind us of our ideal selves. And because we show them appreciation, the algorithms encourage them to show more of what we like. So when these people expose another side of themselves, we can get intrigued or shocked.

Failing to be less than ideal is not always a fault in their personalities; we might also be projecting our flaws and fears onto them. Seeing the less-than-ideal version of our idols reminds us that perfection doesn’t exist and we’re never going to be perfect either. 

I recently watched an old keynote speech from a coach I’ve been following for years. I’ve always admired them for their positivity and encouragement. But in this video, they were cursing and portraying a much harsher version of themselves than what I had seen before. I was surprised. And for a moment, I got judgemental. It was hard for me to accept that instead of positivity, they had reached their success using a very different tone of voice. It also triggered my fears of whether a harsher style was something I should embrace to be successful.

After a while, my judgement turned into curiosity and later into admiration. I admired the fact that they had been able to combine these different sides of themselves and evolve on their journey. And by inviting me to watch this old video of theirs, they obviously weren’t afraid to reveal their whole selves, even if that isn’t how they operate anymore. That, to me, seemed authentic. 

Our authenticity lies in accepting the good, the bad and the ugly. In ourselves and others.

We can be weak and wise at the same time. We can be hard and soft at the same time. We can be lost and completely ready at the same time. We will grow, evolve and change as we get older. Accepting and admitting these contradictions and vulnerabilities is the path to showing up as our most authentic selves. 

Our ability to adjust to context is also a gift

If we live our lives in many different domains, we learn the codes of those domains and develop ways to adapt to them. This means we play up certain characteristics and subdue others. 

For example, I become a better listener when I’m engaged in a private coaching session with a client. I also become more decisive and organised when I interact with a corporate client.

All of these qualities exist within me, but I don’t actively use them every minute of the day. Some of my best friends are still surprised about the speed of my decision-making at work since, in my personal life, I can contemplate buying a sweater for weeks. 

Now, would I attend a corporate meeting using my most yogic voice? Likely not, because I wouldn’t want the people in the meeting to fall asleep. But is that yogic presence part of who I am when I’m in that meeting, even if I’m not actively expressing it? Absolutely. 

Eventually, our personalities become more coherent as we learn to combine and mix our different capabilities in a variety of contexts. This is called full-self integration. It’s a process that helps us create a life where we can be our 360-selves. As we become more integrated, we lose the need to hide certain aspects of ourselves but also the need to overexpress any aspect of ourselves.

Recognising our judgemental and empathetic voices can save us a lot of time and pain

If we’re easily triggered by other people’s perceived fakeness or fearful about appearing fake ourselves, the best thing we can do is learn self-reflection.

Most of us can hear two voices in our heads: a judgemental one and an empathetic one. 

For example, my judgemental voice could argue that a fake is a leader who goes into staff meetings with big, conceptual ideas about how they could all become more loving toward each other but then fails to even say hi to employees in the hallway. 

But then my empathetic voice understands that this person has likely scratched the surface of something they’d like to express more of in themselves. They understand it on a conceptual level but not yet on a practical level. They like the idea but fail to adopt behaviour that would align with it. 

It’s also true that we speak about what we need to learn ourselves. People who preach about any given topic are inspired to do so because they’re so committed to solving the problem for themselves.

I wrote my first book about feeling enough because I struggled to feel enough. I needed to write that book because I had to say those words to myself. I still return to the book whenever I feel a sense of inadequacy. It takes years to internalise big concepts, words and teachings. So being gentle toward ourselves is necessary if we want to grow and evolve.

So maybe that’s where we start.
Being gentle on and off stage.
Hopefully, authenticity will follow.